(no subject)

[imthepilot]

{From here}

Bodhi's still sitting on the grass when Galen comes out; thick, angry tears drying on his cheeks. There's a core of rage in his gut but it's impudent rage. Too much he can't control, can't fix. Too much he can't undo.

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[imthepilot]

Bodhi holds Galen as best he can, trying to protect his lover from hurting himself more. He hates himself for this, for having to be the one to tell Galen.

Silent tears of his own fall. He hasn't mourned Jyn, or Kay, or Cassian, or any of the crew who fought and fell.

"They followed her into battle." He forces himself to say, because Galen needs to hear it. "Because she was strong. Because she was brave. And because she believed in you. She took up your torch and she gave the galaxy hope again. They well never forget her. No one will."

[galen_erso]

"But she could have lived, like a -- just like any person. She never had a chance for that," Galen sobs. "Great heroes make for cold homes."

He can't stop crying, even though it hurts like hell. He doesn't even think to turn up his painkillers.

[imthepilot]

Bodhi can't help but think of Galen's rooms on Eadu. Small and comfortable but cold. All the warm memories frozen in time.

He holds Galen close, reaching for the machine. It's not hard to work out which dial increases the painkillers.

[galen_erso]

They allow Galen to sob more freely, to cry himself out without a fight, and then stop.

"Thanks," he murmurs when he finds that he has his voice and his breath back. He is clinging to Bodhi, desperate and grateful.

[imthepilot]

"I'm sorry, Galen. I... You needed to know the truth."

There's a high little mew from behind them as Kyber comes storming across the lawn, Myrrh keeping him in check.

[galen_erso]

"No need to be..." Galen starts out, and then turns at the sound and stares.

"Are they animals?" he asks. "Domesticated ones? Or people?"

[imthepilot]

"Kyber!" Bodhi frees one hand to reach down, scooping the kitten up. "Thank you for watching him, Myrrh."

He sets Kyber on his knee and pets Myrrh, looking very pleased with herself.

"They're animals, intelligent ones. I think it would be far to say they domesticated people rather than the other way around." He scratches Myrrh's chin as Kyber investigates Galen's sleeve. "Myrrh took very good care of me when I was... when I was at my lowest."

[galen_erso]

"Kyber!" Galen says, with a watery little laugh. "His name is Kyber! Can I touch him?"

He needs to ask about that lowest point. But first, kitten!

[imthepilot]

"The children who gave him to me asked for a Jedhaen word. It was the first one I thought of."

Myrrh jumps up and perches on Bodhi's shoulder. "He loves to be scratched behind his ears but beware, he's very young. He tends to get playful and careless with his claws and teeth."

[galen_erso]

Very carefully and gently, Galen touches the little animal. "Such soft fur!" he whispers. "The black one is an adult specimen?"

[imthepilot]

"Myrrh's an adult, yes. And a female. She's been living here for many years. There are several cats living here, mostly at the forge."

[galen_erso]

"They are friendly animals," Galen says, reaching out to touch Myrrh. "These live with you?"

Pause.

"Us, really."

That makes him smile with sudden, unexpected happiness.

[imthepilot]

Us. One word. Like the sun coming out.

"Kyber does. He's only a baby so he's my responsibility. Myrrh is her own, she comes and goes as she pleases. Seems like she's agreed to help me with Kyber."

Myrrh mews an agreement and rubs her cheek against Galen's hand.

[galen_erso]

"What kind of food do they need?" Galen asks, petting Myrrh's ears. "And how often do we have to feed them?"

We. Yes, indeed.

[imthepilot]

"Kyber's still on milk and little bits of poultry cut up fine. Myrrh prefers fish and raw meats. But she's not fussy."

Little predator teeth are currently investigating the fingers of Galen's other hand. Myrrh ducks her head to lick salt off Bodhi's cheek and he nods, petting her reassuringly. "It's okay. They're not the same sort of tears as before."

[galen_erso]

Before. There it is again.

"What happened before?" Galen asks. "What was the lowest point which both the cat and the Guardians saw you at?"

[imthepilot]

Bodhi lowers his eyes, silent for a long moment. When he finds his voice, it's rough and unsteady. "Things happened, after I left you on Eadu. Things I... I wish I could forget. Things that... I never really recovered from. Never had time. Everything happened so fast once Jyn reached Sa-" he cuts himself off, unable to say Saw Gerrera's name, "the Partisans' hideout."

"Eadu, while you were dying, I was stealing a ship, ready for when Cassian and Jyn bought you back. She was so angry, and yet so controlled. She didn't fall apart. She tamped it down and turned it into fuel."

"And I couldn't mourn. Because she didn't know. And I couldn't tell her."

"When the rebel leaders won't listen, wouldn't act on what she knew. What you told her. We stole the ship again. And went to Scarif ourselves."

"They came, later. Once we were fighting. Jyn had the plans but the shield was closed. I got a signal. To the rebel fleet. To be ready. To break the shield so Jyn could upload the plans to them using the tower. I'd done my part. I was going get us out."

"But there were troopers. They had grenades. I heard it land. Heard it bounce. And then I was here. But I was alone."

[galen_erso]

Galen holds him in his arms throughout, one hand on Bodhi and one for the curious cat-child.

"And then?" he asks softly.

His blood-coloured eyes are glistening again.

[imthepilot]

"The blast threw me through the door. Into the garage downstairs. I hit my head on something. It left everything brittle and confused. Like after-" again, he can't talk about what happened in the catacombs.

"My memories were fractured. It took me a while to remember how I died. I remembered you, and that I loved you. But not if you'd loved me back."

"I got it back, slowly. Piece by piece. But I was lost. Trapped. I stopped eating because nothing had tastes. I stopped coming downstairs because everything was flat and colourless."

He swallows, struggling to explain it. "I took pills to sleep, because being awake was too hard. A man who looks like you but isn't. Doctor Lecter. He tried to help but-"

He drops his eyes. "Pain became the only thing I could feel. The only thing that brought back any colour." He shrugs, hugging his arms protectively. "Then something happened and I couldn't bear it. I couldn't live being trapped here alone anymore." He pushes up his sleeves, revealing the scars at both wrists.

{ooc: this tag is brought to you by a small black cat having an attack of the midnight zoomies and trashing my livingroom.}

[galen_erso]

Galen clings to him, eyes brimming, an listens.

"My Bodhi," he manages, voice thick, and bends his head to kiss the scars. "I'm here, I'm with you now, I'm never leaving you again."

[imthepilot]

Bodhi almost flinches, senstivive about the scars on his wrist in ways he never was about his back. "I'm sorry." He mumbles, shamefaced. He had been weak, he was ashamed.

[galen_erso]

"Why?" Galen says. "I am sorry about not coming here sooner. I left you all alone."

There are years in his eyes again as he looks I to Bodhi's face.

[imthepilot]

Bodhi shakes his head. "Time doesn't move right here. People kept telling me you might turn up. Even after me. But hope was a poison. It's not your fault. I should have been stronger."

[galen_erso]

Galen holds him again, warm and close. "I am here now, and I love you," he says. "I'll stop blaming myself if you do."

That can be a mutual promise, geared towards healing.

[imthepilot]

"I'll try." It's the best Bodhi can promise. He blames himself for so much.

Kyber, annoyed at being left out, jumps up Bodhi's chest to headbutt his chin. "Are you hungry again?" Bodhi asks, slightly exasperated.